Self Compassion is a vital tool

Self compassion is probably the most under-utilised skill. The reason may be that it can be perceived as something; soft and weak. However this could not be further from the truth. 

It takes an incredible amount of strength to be vulnerable, open and honest with ourselves.  It is hard work acknowledging that we are imperfect, we make mistakes, we fail and we mess up. 

Being comfortable with the uncomfortable is hard, painful and often scary. 

It is all too easy to want to ignore and numb out our pain, failures and messiness. It is easier to sometimes play victim or block out our discomfort than try to accept our responsibility in our roles. Sadly too often we escape this by spending hours on our social media, watching Netflix, drinking alcohol, binge eating, taking drugs, excessive shopping, excessive exercise and any other obsessive behaviours that are used for avoidance. 

Self-compassion can be defined as being “kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings…” (Neff, n.d.). It means that you act the same way toward yourself when you are going through a tough time that you would act towards a dear friend: noticing the suffering, empathising or “suffering with” yourself, and offering kindness and understanding. - What is self compassion

With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend. (Dr Kristen Neff) 

Self compassion is not judgmental and is not dependent on success or failure

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticising yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? (Dr Kristen Neff) 

Scientists describe compassion as the desire to alleviate suffering and so self compassion is about helping to reduce our own suffering 

Who do we listen to most in our lives? …..ourselves. And unfortunately we are our own worst enemies. We have this constant inner chatter going on quite often subconsciously, telling us how we are not good enough, clever enough, pretty enough, thin enough, buff enough, earn enough and so the list goes on. 

Think about it for a minute….would you say these mean things to your best friend? 

So much of our mental health struggles today are because of a lack of self compassion. Not giving yourself the acceptance, understanding and forgiveness for where you are. 

Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated (Dr Kristen Neff)

It is about learning to accept ALL your emotions and feelings, especially the uncomfortable ones like; shame, guilt, disgust.  Remind yourself that ALL feelings are normal and the more we ignore them, the stronger they get. Suppressed feelings feel like a threat to our bodies and overtime can cause both psychological and physical harm. 

When we have self compassion our brains release the feel good chemicals (parasympathetic nervous system) and we stay connected and present and able to make better decisions, more likely to respond vs react. We feel safe and are more motivated 

However self criticism and judgment are the complete opposite and feel like a threat to the brain and body.  This ignites the stress response (sympathetic system). We get disconnected from our thinking brain and operate from a reactive fearful state and unfortunately this can lead to habits of avoidance and numbing out 

When we criticise ourselves we’re tapping into the body’s threat-defense system (sometimes referred to as our reptilian brain). Among the many ways we can react to perceived danger, the threat-defense system is the quickest and most easily triggered. This means that self-criticism is often our first reaction when things go wrong.

Feeling threatened puts stress on the mind and body, and chronic stress can cause anxiety and depression, which is why habitual self-criticism is so bad for emotional and physical well-being. With self-criticism, we are both the attacker and the attacked.  - The transformative effects of mindful self compassion

Self compassion can be confused with ‘letting yourself off the hook’ and not taking responsibility. That is not what it is about. Self compassion allows you to be with your feelings whatever these maybe and however hard they are.  By being present to what you are feeling, you are able to find space to acknowledge if you did make a mistake and if you need to change something or do something. 

self compassion does not mean letting yourself off the hook

You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. (Dr Kristen Neff)

Self compassion is not about feeling sorry for yourself as many may believe.

 Research shows that self compassionate people are more likely to engage in perspective taking, rather than focusing on their own distress.  They are less likely to ruminate on how bad things are, which is one of the reasons why self compassionate people have better health - Transformative effects of mindful self compassion

The world and our place in it is hard enough, we want a ‘friend in our head’. 

Going back to the beginning of this article, self compassion is a skill. It is not something we are born with. It is something we all need to learn. 

Individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events such as divorce, health crises, and academic failure, and even combat trauma. - Transformative effects of self compassion

We are not going to try to reinvent the wheel and teach you because there are so many experts out there who have made it their life's goals to research and study this topic.  The one we recommend and have used quite a lot in is Dr Kristen Neff  - Self compassion exercises

or you can visit Positive Psychology - self-compassion-self-love

Resources

Kristen Neff - self-compassion.org 

https://positivepsychology.com/self-compassion-self-love/

Self compassion video 

Three components of self compassion - Kristen Neff 

The space between self compassion and self esteem - Kristen Neff 

The power of vulnerabliity - Brené Brown